


fading

by moonbunnie



Category: Kpop - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, BTS OT7, Bad Days, Depressed Jeon Jungkook, Hurt and comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idol Jeon Jungkook, Jeon Jungkook Is Bad at Feelings, Jeon Jungkook Is a Good Friend, Jeon Jungkook Is a Sweetheart, Jeon Jungkook Needs a Hug, Jeon Jungkook-centric, Jungkook angst, Jungkook sad, Loneliness, Sad, Sad Jeon Jungkook, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shy Jeon Jungkook, bts - Freeform, bts angst, jungkook has no friends, jungkook hurt/comfort, lonely jungkook, venting through writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-01-24 14:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18573490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbunnie/pseuds/moonbunnie
Summary: jeon jungkook's life was one that was centered around six stars. his six shining, beautiful stars. but they're dimming, becoming more and more distant in his eyes.will jungkook be able to bridge that gap, or will he succumb to loneliness in the name of keeping his stars bright?does pursuing his own happiness make him greedy?





	1. far away

_“The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else’s lake-”_

Taehyung sang along with Jimin, who was wrapped up with him in a blanket.

It was movie night at the dorms, and the boys decided on a classic Disney film after five minutes of bickering. They all seemed to agree on The Little Mermaid, becoming especially enthusiastic as they recalled watching it years ago before debut.

As his hyungs enjoyed the movie, Jungkook couldn’t sit still. He was the only person sitting alone on the floor since there was no space left on the couches. Now, he knew that it wasn’t a big deal- it was _supposed_ to be anyways. He scolded himself internally for overthinking. But how could he not? After all, this wasn’t a rare occurrence. Jungkook being the man left solo was the norm in an uneven group of seven.

All his life, he didn’t know what it meant to be part of something bigger- something like a friendship. As a young child, Jungkook’s timid personality was the reason he never had a solid friendship. A friendship where he was the first to know someone's sadness, of their troubles, of their happiness, and of thier laughter. One where he didn’t have to be afraid of being replaced. He was whisked away to Seoul to follow his dreams and debut, and that was even more detrimental to his social skills. Jungkook assumed that being cooped up in a muggy dance practice room with the same six people for ten hours a day would bring them closer, though. He was hopeful.

And it did. Being in this team established a strong bond between the members.

But it just didn't include him.

Jimin, Taehyung. Yoongi and Hoseok. Namjoon and Seokjin. They completed each other, they always have. Jimin, who spent his high school years with Taehyung. Hoseok, who worked tirelessly with his partner in crime, Yoongi. Seokjin, who held all the responsibility of being the eldest with Namjoon, who was the mature and lovely leader. Then there was him. Jungkook. Just Jungkook, their cute baby, their maknae. The one member who got along with everyone, but was never enough to be loved fully by just one. The one member who was never given the title of "best friend." Even if it was never said out loud, it was there.

Jungkook knew he was the outcast of the group, yet seeing his hyung’s happy was all that mattered to him. They were happy with each other and Jungkook would never want it to be any other way. He was in pain when his hyungs were sad. If he had to stay the reject, he would happily do so. They raised him and he was the embodiment of the six other men, so he shouldn’t be greedy.

It was funny, how he needed to constantly remind himself of that.

\-----------

 

Jungkook went to bed early that night, even before his favorite part where the prince and mermaid lived happily ever after.

As he listened to the loud laughter and chatter only slightly muffled by the walls, he knew something for sure. The aching in his chest told him. _There was no such thing as a happily ever after. Not for him._ He faced the wall and curled up, listening. Jungkook could hear his brothers joking and laughing. He could pick out Seokjin's bright, choppy laugh and imagined him hitting the nearest member. He could hear Jimin, who was most likley doubling over into Taehyung's lap with pure laughter, covering his mouth. He could see the scene perfectly in his mind, and he still knew that the blanket void of him on the floor had still gone unnoticed.

No one came to check on him, hours later. Maybe it was his fault. He shouldn’t expect anything from his hyungs when he was the one to claim the smallest room for the member who would go roomate-less.

Jungkook went to bed early that night, but sleep never came until the sun began to rise.

\-----------

His weeks began to blur together, but the only things that stuck out to him were the moments where he’d feel like an ant in a room of giants. But he’d stay quiet without complaint. Numbness took over, so overwhelming that his smile never met his eyes and his words began to lack sincerity. No one took notice of how their _bright, cute maknae_ had lost his glow. They didn't see how his cheek fat began to trim off and how his eyes began to look sunken, and how his frame began to look smaller when he hid inside oversized tee shirts. He was far already but continually drifted further away. As they laughed, Jungkook could sit with a smile at his lips but his eyes were a million miles away. He was there, living without a goal, without the spark that once was bright. He was just living while the others around him lived. Their voices registered to him as if he was underwater, muffled and drowned out by the deafening comments in his own mind.

_“You are nothing to them.”_

Jungkook even stayed quiet on his birthday.

September 1st, a day filled with meetings and practice and even more practice. None of his hyungs or any staff member gave him a second glance. They were all stressed, of course, because of the album release soon. But how could something as big as his birthday slip the mind of all of the members? Jungkook wanted them to remember. During the morning, he met eyes with them all often, as if he could telepathically remind them. All he got was a smile, or a chuckle, or a ruffle to his hair paired with an _“ah, our cutie.”_ It was useless trying to get them to remember.

That night was another grueling, sleepless, early night. This time, his heart ached to the point where tears squeezed out of his eyes and rolled down to the pillow.


	2. farther apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeon jungkook's life was one that was centered around six stars. his six shining, beautiful stars. but they're dimming, becoming more and more distant in his eyes.
> 
> will jungkook be able to bridge that gap, or will he succumb to loneliness in the name of keeping his stars bright?
> 
> does pursuing his own happiness make him greedy?

A couple of nights passed before Jungkook came home on time for dinner (on other days, he would return at the dead of night when all the lights were off and even Namjoon, their night owl, was asleep). The boy was soaked in sweat from five extra hours of dance practice, alone at the studio. His arrival was announced by the shutting of the door, but no _'welcome home'_ came for him. A sigh escaped his lips chapped by the cool fall air, and his head sank down as he pulled his worn sneakers off.

He noticed that all but one person was home. All their shoes were gone- all except that familiar pair.

“Taehyungie-Hyung…?” Jungkook spoke softly as he ventured further into the house. He could hear some music coming from the bedroom and he peeked inside. At the sound of the door opening, the fluffy haired boy looked up from his laptop. Jungkook was greeted with Taehyung’s signature boxy smile.

“Ggukie-ah, come help me! Come choose one,” He bounced on the spot and motioned for him to come over. Curious, Jungkook walked into the room and took a seat at the edge of the bed. On Taehyung’s monitor was many different faces of the infamous maneless lion character that Namjoon was obsessed with. Glancing over to Namjoon’s half of the room, anyone could tell how much their leader adored it. His bed had more room for plushies than it did for a person. Seeing the character on Taehyung’s laptop raised some suspicion in him.

“What’s that for?” Jungkook asked, nodding to the screen.

“Namjoon Hyung’s birthday.”

Jungkook could feel his heart sink like an anchor to the depth of his chest in the time frame of a millisecond. “Huh?”

“Hyung’s birthday is tomorrow, silly! The others are having some dinner now with him so I could order his gifts. I have to choose a character to put on his cake through, Seokjin Hyung recommended that we get a custom made one for him.”

With each set of news Taehyung delivered, Jungkook could feel his heart squeeze so much that it physically pained him. They remembered Namjoon’s birthday even now, but not his? They could remember Namjoon’s in the midst of all the chaos at work, and even plan something for him.

It wasn't supposed to be a big deal. _But it was._

“So? Which face is the cutest?” Taehyung’s smile was huge still, excitement crackling in his voice like fireworks. He didn't notice the way Jungkook’s eyes gradually grew glossier- not yet, at least.

“That one,” Jungkook’s hand raised to point to a random character pose before he got up. To Taehyung’s surprise, Jungkook left and shut the door without another word. He left the boy wide-eyed in his wake.

\-----------

Jungkook didn’t realize he was running until he forcefully bumped into a streetlight. A shaky exhale escaped his lips as he carried on, stumbling through the streets of Seoul. He felt light on his feet, so light that he could fly away.

_I just want to fly away._

But his heart was heavy, so heavy like a backpack full of rocks weighing him down and gaining more and more mass until he was falling.

_I’m falling._

He was so close to bursting open in the middle of the street, and somehow, his anxiousness was the one to keep him in check. _“Don’t be a bother to strangers on the street.”_ it whispered.

The run to Bighit took long enough, feeling like someone dumped molasses over his head and he was treading through it. The second that the door to the practice room was shut, Jungkook’s knees went weak. He swallowed the saliva thick in his throat.

“Practice.” He should practice. Distracting himself always helped to fend away the demons.

Jungkook’s hands were shaky as he plugged his phone into the speakers. He couldn’t see to turn on the song they had been working on learning very well because of his terribly blurry vision. Still, he managed. The young boy began to dance despite his throbbing headache. He moved his body to the beat but did _“one a two and three”_ instead of _“one-two and a three.”_ He spun to the right instead of sliding to the left. He couldn’t hold his ending pose still with a body that was trembling.

On his third try, he furrowed his brow in concentration.

 _“Jump, spin, pa pa, pow, kick, jump, land,”_ Jungkook muttered under his breath as his body moved to his command. “Four, five and six, and s-- _ah_!” At the attempt of doing a spin in the air, Jungkook came crashing down on his knees. This time, he didn't get up. His teeth grit together to a point that it was painful, chest tightening at the sight of himself in the mirror, on the floor.

_A failure._

Jungkook lost sight of his reflection as he became a blob of brown and black. Then he lost what little grip he had on himself. His head slumped lowly as a tear rolled off his chin.

_A goddamned failure._

It started out as a hiccuping cry, shoulders shaking gently while his hands raised to cover his face. Jungkook slowly dragged himself to the side and leaned against the wall, needing the extra support. He grabbed at his own raw throat. His dark eyes screwed shut in absolute agony, jaw taut and tight. The first squeeze of his heart was all he needed to let out a rough sob. Then another, and then another. Soon, Jungkook was sobbing so violently that his lungs were on fire. Every cry passed his lips painfully, but nothing could match up to the cold feeling gnawing at his heart.

_They forgot about me._

_I’m not important enough to be remembered._

Jungkook whipped his head back quickly, smashing it into the wall. He did this multiple times, each time weaker than the last. Knees brought up to his face, his trembling arms hugged around them. He gasped and exhaled roughly, tears soaking through the thin material of his pants, snot running down past his lips. His entire body shook with the magnitude of his weeping.

_They forgot me._

_They forgot me._

His tears still felt so selfish.

\-----------

Taehyung didn’t know what to say when Jungkook left so suddenly. Did he have somewhere to be? Or- _God forbid_ \- was he mad at him for some reason? The boy reviewed his entire day of interaction with the youngest. He could only recall teasing him at lunch, but it was all meant for good fun.

He sat on the almost deserted subway train car, tugging nervously at his face mask. He was making his way home after dropping the print of Namjoon's favorite character off to the baker. There was something about Jungkook that was different these days, but Taehyung had just thought it was the exhaustion that came with preparing for the comeback.

The thought suddenly struck him. Could it be greater than just day-by-day exhaustion?

 _'Ah… no way,’_ he thought as the train stopped and he made his way out. _'Ggukie is strong and able. If he was having trouble, he would come to us.'_

The second he thought that up, his stomach felt uneasy. No- opening up to them was the most, unlike Jungkook. Knowing him, Jungkook wouldn’t want to burden them. Knowing Jungkook, the youngest would be silently bearing whatever he had to carry.

Taehyung thought that alone made his blood run cold.

Yet, the sight he stumbled upon on the subway walls caused him to freeze on the spot. A larger than life, LED board put up by a fansite. A photo of the boy his mind was running with the thought of out of worry.

_“HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEON JUNGKOOK - 1997. 0901.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what's causing me to write... ahahaha... over 2k words within four hours... but it's not bad for me at all. I'm really venting and letting loose through this piece, and I hope it can be interesting to you ^^ I feel like many people can relate to what Jungkook feels, so i hope it brings you peace knowing that there are many people who deal with this and get better with time.
> 
> I have two chapters left so pls look forward to them within the next couple days. See if our ggukie will get worse or better :(


	3. tapered end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small note: the first part of this chapter is a continuation of the last, but the rest is a "flashback" to jk's birthday. the next update (chapter four) will be continuing where the story left off before the flashback (FB = flash back)!

When Taehyung burst into the dorms a little after 11 pm, the boys were startled awake, Hoseok gasped and sat up, Jimin nearly fell off his bed as he ran out to the living room. Yoongi groaned at the terribly bright light suddenly being flicked on while groggily walking over. In the midst of the disorientation and chaos, Namjoon was the first to catch a glimpse of Taehyung’s distressed expression.

“Taehyung-ah? What’s wrong?” The leader stumbled into the room quickly, capturing the attention of all their members.

Jimin was the first to meet Taehyung, holding his hands with worry flooding his otherwise tired expression.

“Jungkookie--” He cried out. “We’re the _worst_. We missed his birthday.”

If it hadn't been for Taehyung’s shaky breathing, they could've heard a pin drop.

Jimin was the first to break the silence. His hand dropped to his side, the other ran through his hair and pushed his bangs off his face. His lips were parted as his hand rubbed the lower half of his face, covering his mouth. “No way…”

”None of us realized?” Hoseok whispered faintly.

“Shit…” Seokjin mumbled from the couch.

“How could have we not seen it?”

“Did none of us go on social media? Army probably _flooded_ our twitter with birthday wishes for him…”

Jimin’s eyes burned a little with tears, guilt flooding his veins and turning them icy as he recalled what they were doing on September 1st. “That day- we were practicing. I think I ruined his day. I-I was so mean…”

“What?” Taehyung’s eyes were still as wide as ever. “How?”

\---- _(FB)_ \------

Jungkook hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before his birthday. Every two minutes, he’d turn on his phone again to check the time. Six minutes until he was a year older. Another 365 days gone by. A year closer to his death, closer to the end of the temporary happiness they called Bangtan. Four minutes. Four minutes until another year was added to his name, along with the responsibility and maturity that came with. How was he getting older when he felt as though he was still a clueless teen? Jungkook wondered if the average twenty-something would overthink about human relationships, if they too cried over small fears, and if they too felt constrained in the life the lived.

He spent the last minute before midnight wondering what it would be like if he wasn’t himself. Maybe he could’ve been a person who lives their life boldly, with no trace of timidness to edge them away from what they wanted.

His mind wandered to wondering what it was like to feel truly and wholly loved. To be loved constantly in a way that was everlasting, from the moment he woke up to the second he began to dream in the night. He wondered if a life like that even existed, or if the human mind could only conjure up such image.

When Jungkook received no midnight birthday wishes, he realized how foolish he was.

_A life like that didn't exist._

His hopes had been too high for a boy who did a lousy job in giving when all he wanted to do was receive.

\-----------

Smiling at the other members didn’t help, scrolling on Twitter in hopes they’d read something over his shoulder was a far shot. Jungkook sat against the wall during their five-minute break, glancing around the room at his Hyungs. Namjoon was laying face first and unmoving against the cool hardwood floor. He would've thought he was dead if not for the way his back moved with every deep and shaky inhale. Taehyung and Hoseok were scarfing down bottles of water and Seokjin was having a small granola bar to replenish. Yoongi had fallen asleep within thirty seconds on a chair in desperate need to squeeze in as much rest as possible after late nights working in the studio.

Jimin stood in the corner, speaking in hushed voices to their dance teacher. Jungkook could tell all was not right by the worried and exhausted expression on Jimin’s delicate features. Jimin glanced over at Jungkook, almost as if he could tell he was watching. His eyes then flew away to another member, a frown tugging his lips down. Was Jimin upset with him…?

He got his answer after a few more seconds of nervous fidgeting. Jimin came over to Jungkook, footsteps a little more heavy than usual.

“Jungkook, can I talk to you for a second?” Jimin crouched down to be eye level with him, volume low. By the way the elder didn't use one of the thousands of nicknames made for him, he knew Jimin wasn't here to deliver good news. All he could do was nod and brace himself.

“Are you okay?”

His heart skipped a beat. Jungkook so badly wanted to spurt out his thoughts. _‘No, I’m not, I haven’t been okay in a long time. I’m physically and mentally exhausted after so many days where I think you all don’t like me or think of me as dead weight to the team. I’m sick of mean comments from faceless people and I’m sick of myself, how easily hurt I get from the smallest things that I know aren’t supposed to be anything big or meaningful. I just want to be hugged and helped. Please help me so I can be okay, even if it sounds selfish.'_

Jungkook didn’t realize that a few seconds had gone by, and he was staring up at Jimin with distant eyes and parted lips. He forgot his question but knew that once that the answer he thought up wasn’t the one Jimin was looking for. Just as society had conditioned him to say, Jimin was expecting that usual, nonchalant answer.

“Ah- yeah, I’m fine.”

It was always “I’m fine.” Why suddenly dump your troubles on someone when they were referring to your physical state rather than your emotional? It would come off as rude or overbearing, overdramatic. Still, how was one to know when someone was referring to someone’s emotional well being? It seemed that because of physical health was much more easy to talk about, that was the default. Even for the person being asked. Physical health was the easiest thing to speak about.

Does anyone truly care about mental health? Jungkook read thousands upon thousands of posts online, while in real life, the stigma around talking about mental health was too great that no one dared bring it up. His ‘safe space to speak,’ as the media called it, never existed. Jungkook yearned to open up, but after going years without having a safe space, speaking of his individual internal conflicts seemed like the most ridiculous of dreams.

Personally, he thought that the feeling of being torn apart internally with every passing day hurt more than any physical pain that could be healed. Physical scars last some years, but mental ones last for as long as a person does.

“Why’d you ask? I’m just a little tired,” Jungkook fidgeted with his fingers as his pupils darted around to focus on different features on Jimin’s face. He couldn’t focus.

“Your work today… it’s not up to par,” Jimin rubbed at his own neck, glancing down momentarily before looking back up at Jungkook with the same frown at his lips. “You're stumbling a lot and you’re out of sync. I know you might be a little tired, but we all are. Please work a little harder, Ggukie-ah. We get to go home if we all practice the song well a few times through. Just work harder, please. We all want to leave.”

Oh no...

Oh _no..._

Jimin was upset because of him.

His Hyungs were upset because of him.

They were exhausted and suffering all because he couldn’t get his head straight.

All Jungkook could do after averting his gaze to settle on the floor was nod frantically. “I’ll work harder,” he said, almost breathless after having those words knocked into him.

He always suspected that they thought of him as a burden. But to hear it out loud from someone he loved and whose opinion mattered to him struck his chest like a punch.

The practice continued just minutes later and Jungkook could barely keep himself together through the last two runs. His muscles burned as if they were lit on fire but he forced himself to go on after Jimin’s words. The second they were dismissed, Jungkook was out the door. He slipped away without drawing attention, making a beeline to the men’s bathroom.

Jungkook closed the door to the small stall, pressing his back to it. His eyes shut weakly as his legs shook. Every time he’d move that leg, he’d feel a cramp worse inside. The boy desperately needed to lay down and rest. He couldn’t go back to the dorms now, though. The boy’s eyes were flooding rapidly with water, overflowing and spilling down his cheeks. Although he was the one of the tallest in the group, he felt so small- so _helpless._

_I’m a burden._

In that cold, deserted bathroom, the voices echoing through his mind were greater than the deafening silence.

_This is why they forgot._

His birthday wasn’t important to him at all, it truly was just another overwhelming milestone to think about. All he wanted was a hand to grab on to as his light faded into darkness.

_All I’ll ever be is an inconvenient trouble._


	4. bridge the gap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is not a flashback!! it continues from where the first part of chapter 3 left off, but in jungkook's view <3

Jungkook composed himself almost an hour after breaking down in the dance room, now having to deal with a sore throat and his chest hurting. He had screamed and cried- even pulled out some of his own hair when feeling that breathless and panicked. Jungkook had to drink water as to not pass out on the floor of the practice room. His entire body was slumped as he headed back to the dorms. It was a little past midnight and was sure the others were asleep by now.

It was discouraging to see that he had gotten no text messages from the others. Nothing asking where he was, if he was hungry, or when he’d come home. He easily turned it on to blame himself. _’ I annoyed them today. I deserve this.’_ He hoped that they had eaten to their heart's content at the restaurant, at least.

_‘But if I were to be murdered on the way home-,’_ he thought. _‘-they probably wouldn't start looking for me until I start to rot.’_

_‘Maybe it would be better for everyone if that happened.’_

For the first time, Jungkook walked home with no intention of getting there safely. It was the first time he didn’t look around warily for any figures following him. The first time he walked across the road in the middle of oncoming traffic. It wasn’t that he wanted to do anything as drastic as commit suicide- no, he would be too scared to. But it was that he didn’t care if anything happened to him. If he were to die accidentally

_then that was okay._

He was too exhausted to care.

\-----------

Jungkook almost let out a rabid scream when he walked into the dark dorms and the lights flicked on.

There they were, all six of his members. Jimin held a small store bought cake in his hands. At the top of their lungs, the boys screamed the same thing. _“HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY!”_

The youngest was frozen as they all sang to him and came over, Seokjin ambushing Jungkook with what he claimed to be “late birthday punches” and Hoseok pulling a cone-shaped party hat over Jungkook’s head.

As the iconic birthday song came to a close, the boys smiled at their youngest member and nodded to the cake with two candles. Jungkook shakily leaned over and managed to blow the candles out. His heart was hammering at his chest, darting from member to member as they congratulated him.

In his haste, he met Namjoon’s guilt-ridden eyes and remembered the time. It was past midnight-- currently in the early hours of Namjoon’s birthday. Jungkook was hit with a wave of guilt, so great that he felt nauseous. Never did he want his Hyung to feel as unwanted as he had on his day.

“It’s Namjoon-Hyung’s birthday,” Jungkook whispered.

“Hm?” Jimin looked up at him.

“Hyung--” Jungkook choked out, staring up at Namjoon. “It’s your birthday.”

Namjoon gave him a warm, dimpled smile. “It is. But we missed yours… Gguk-ah, we apologize. We should've remembered yours.”

“Mine isn't important,” Jungkook said in all seriousness. His definite tone surprised more than one person.

That earned a slap on the back from Seokjin. “Yah! Don’t you say that. Namjoon graciously let us celebrate your birthday now, so don’t be ungrateful.”

There it was again. A wave of nausea and nervousness flooding through his body, making him sweat.

“O-Oh- No. I’m sorry. I’m grateful,” he stuttered out. Why was the room feeling so full and hot? More importantly, why was Jungkook so nervous in the presence of his friends after they gave him the acknowledgment he wanted? He was a world-class artist who would perform in front of stadiums filled to capacity with fans, but he was filled with anxiousness now.

The room had grown quiet with thick tension. “Jungkook-ah, are you alright?” One of the older boys asked concerningly. Jungkook shut his eyes with his head feeling light but pounding, chest growing constricted. He gave them a slight nod of his head.

A second later, he broke out into a run. Jungkook could faintly hear his name being called as he rushed to the bathroom and felt his stomach lurch. The boy made it to the toilet just in time before bile rushed up to his throat and into the bowl. A cold hand rubbed at his back, holding his unruly bangs off his forehead.

“Someone go get some water for him!” Jungkook’s stomach twisted, even more when he heard that it was Yoongi. He was the last person that Jungkook wanted to bother. Since Yoongi was so calm and collected all the time, Jungkook was a little frightened by his loud, worried tone.

He couldn’t complain in this position, not when he had started to cry again. The horrible taste of acid remained in his mouth and tears were rolling off his cheeks as he coughed roughly. Jungkook cried tears of helplessness, feeling so weak and immature. Like a child that they had to care for. He was an adult. Jungkook was pulled to his feet by Yoongi. One of the other boys helped him wash up and made him drink water. They shut the bathroom door.

“Jungkook,” Namjoon stood before him, handing him a tissue. “Here.”

Jungkook glanced up with watery eyes, swallowing the saliva thick in his throat. He coughed and wiped the tears away when seeing the pity in Namjoon’s eyes. Pity. He never wanted them to feel obligated to be sad for him. He despised seeing them sad, and to know that he was the cause of it made him shrivel up a little more inside.

Jungkook took the tissue, murmuring his thanks and wiping at his eyes.

“Ah…” Namjoon spoke softly. “Are you okay? What was that about?”

Jungkook’s hand went to his own opposing forearm, rubbing slowly. His reply was automatic. “I don’t know. I probably didn’t get enough water and food today. I’ll take better care of myself…”

The older boy exhaled steadily. “Are you sure that’s all, Jungkook-ah?”

His heart drummed loudly in his ears at the question, sending uncomfortable warmth through his chest, to his arms and causing the sensation of pins and needles at his toes. Jungkook’s hands were sweaty all of a sudden, his underarms too. But still, Jungkook’s head rose as he nodded rather quickly.

“I’m going to go to bed, Hyung. Goodnight…"

Jungkook walked past him and out the door before he could say anything to stop him.

\-----------

It was one of the roughest nights Jungkook had in a while. Usually, he’d be too exhausted after late night practice to stay up. Most of the time, that's what he wanted. To distract and drain himself completely so that he could sleep.

After the sudden attempt of a surprise party, Jungkook was shocked awake with adrenaline. Now, around four am, he still couldn’t sleep. Over and over again, his mind replayed the scene. He could clearly remember each of the boys faces as things progressed, up until he was disgustingly throwing up stomach acid into the toilet.

At the thought of that, he realized he hadn’t eaten since breakfast that day.

Jungkook didn’t realize that he was losing weight because it was a slow and gradual change. With an increase in exercise and him simply forgetting to eat out of having no appetite, he was burning fat fast. His cheeks had lost a lot of its usual chubbiness, his eyes liked their gorgeous healthy glow that fans loved so dearly. Standing in the shower, Jungkook often recognized where his hip bones or ribs were protruding a little more than usual.

Having the sniffles or a mild cold on a regular basis was common for him, these days. The process of damaging his health was slow and snuck up on him before he could suspect.

Slowly, he was killing himself from the inside, out.

Unpleasantness accumulated in his body more often than not. Even now, his whole self felt defective. Defective like a broken toy, the one that would be left on the self until the store’s manager came to claim it- only to have it tossed away to be part of a landfill.

Now, he noticed how dry his throat was.

\-----------

After all that happened with their youngest, Yoongi couldn't sleep. He loved that little one so much, too much to not worry.

That's how Yoongi worked, anyways. While boys like Jimin and Taehyung could shout their love for someone from the rooftops, Yoongi would do the quite opposite. He is the type of person to love in silence. He was the type to sacrifice everything for someone he cared for without letting the world know. He didn't want validation from his acts of kindness. All he strove for was to give peace and an easier time for those he loved.

At the moment, a little past four am, the man simply couldn’t sleep. When Jungkook had entered the dorms the night, Yoongi picked up on the redness of his button nose and the puffiness to his eyelids. It was faint, but there. Hopes were kept high for the doe-eyed boy, as Namjoon had assured them that it was just dehydration. Still, something in Yoongi’s gut stirred. It seemed greater than just that.

Yoongi exhaled softly, rolling on to his side. He saw his roomate, Seokjin, fast asleep on the other side of the bedroom. His eyes shut calmly at the sight of his peaceful older brother.

He took in the warmth of his blanket, the softness of the pillow his laid on. He listened to the refrigerator's soft humming from the next room to lure himself to sleep.

The serene sound was broken as an extra, unsteady noise was added. Eyes hazy with tiredness were open and the now grumpy artist identified the noise as someone walking around. The soft padding of feet around the kitchen didn’t stop- the person was pacing around. It was certainly not quiet enough though, because Yoongi couldn’t catch a wink of sleep with it being audible.

Just as he was ready to pull himself out of bed and confront the early morning walker, time stood still. The walking had ceased, yet there was another noise.

_Crying._

Soft sniffles, the lightest weeping he had ever heard. So heartbreakingly quiet, fragile. It was the sound of an exquisite, indulgently beautiful sculpture made out of the thinnest glass, shattering against solid marble floors. The embodiment of dejection, of hopelessness.

Yoongi’s heart thumped with empathy.


	5. stuck in place

To Jungkook, it seemed like all the members had chosen to forget the events of the previous night by the time they woke up in the morning- or when Jungkook woke up during the afternoon. Jungkook’s body didn't shut down with exhaustion until six or seven am after a sleepless night. The desperate need for rest had caused him to sleep through the morning.

He woke up with a grumbling stomach and a dry throat. It was the weirdest feeling, as if he had skipped an entire day. Since the winter was coming, the sky grew dark faster. Jungkook had woken up to the sun setting, and the sound of his Hyung’s cheery voices muffled by the wall. When the 21 year old sleepily waddled into the room, he was greeted by the sight of his six Hyungs putting on their jackets and getting ready to leave.

Yoongi was the first to notice his presence, almost immediately when he came in. “Oh- Kookie-ah! You’re up.”

Namjoon swung around to face him, and his lips broke out into that lovely smile that never failed to cause an eruption of warmth in Jungkook’s chest. “Hey! How are you feeling?”

Jungkook bobbed his head, speaking softly. His tone was laced with raspiness. “Better. Thanks, Hyung.”

He couldn’t get his eyes off of their clothes. Before he could ask anything, Namjoon spoke. “We’re going out for dinner, then to a Noraebang,” he hummed. “Do you want to come?”

_‘Yes,’_ the giddy child inside of Jungkook jumped with excitement. However, just as fast as that excited spark grew, it was outed.

_‘Ah, you idiot. They don’t want you there. They were about to leave if you didn’t wake up and waste their time by talking.’_

Jungkook’s pained expression was masked by an adorable smile. “No thank you, Hyung.”

Two minutes and a couple of excuses later, Jungkook sat with his thoughts alone in the otherwise empty household. His smile had never reached his eyes.

\-----------

He didn’t feel time passing. Every moment was one that was frozen into place. Mornings were blurred with nights blurred with tears. It felt as though he was living the same day on repeat for as long as he would breathe. Jungkook knew at the moment that he was breathing and he was there. But he was distant from his own self. It was like the Jungkook he felt now and the Jungkook he was years ago were floating miles apart from each other in a pitch black vacuum, only bound together by a single thread. This thread was the width of a strand of hair and just as easily cut as one. The thread had an infinite length, though.

Time was passing, and he only realized this when it hit him all at once: he wasn’t floating meters away from himself as he thought he was.

No.

Jungkook was so far away that he couldn’t see himself- he couldn’t see the ‘Jungkook’ that he used to be anymore.

With no sense of direction, he had gradually lost himself.

Then he began to see the shell of who he was appear in his daily life. A cursed boy, one who disappointed everyone who came into his life. Teachers, family, friends, brothers. All disappointed. That voice whispering into his ear grew louder than the supporting one's around him. At some point, the happy laughter and kind comments from his brothers amounted to nothing in his mind.

How could they be meaningful when malicious comments held his full attention? Those rare sweet comments became the faint whispers instead. It came to a point where he couldn’t stand it anymore- he couldn't stand the one thing that he once lived for.

Dancing.

He stumbled, he fell, he lost the count and forgot the moves as fast as they were learning them. When he was asked if he was alright, he nodded and brushed it off. As one of their star dancers, they trusted it was something he could work on and get over.

But he _didn’t_ get better.

With each failure of practice came multiple looks of sadness, of pain, dismay, or even a hint of genuine displeasure from his Hyungs and teachers. Those faces tormented him at night while his friend, the voice, spoke clearly and bluntly of what they were thinking. This voice acted like it had read all the boy’s thoughts.

Jungkook believed it.

The day came where he didn’t show up for practice.

\-----------

Jungkook saw more of himself in the reflective surface of his blank phone screen than he did his Hyungs. He began to pretend to be asleep when one of them came into his room. There was always a fleeting panic in his chest when he was around one of his brothers alone. As his anxiousness grew, he was never oblivious to the expressions of pity and worry from them. By this point, they were sure that something was truly going on with their youngest.

Still, he didn’t want their words or their pity. He just wanted to be alone. It was better to be alone with his thoughts than with them to allow himself to mess up more and construct new thoughts to be tormented with.

He used to want to be noticed and saved from his fatigue-like loneliness, but now all he wanted to do was fade away without disruption.

Jungkook was fading.

\-----------

Five.

That was the number of practices he skipped.

It was also the number of times his Namjoon-Hyung had called before he picked up.

Jungkook stared at the caller ID for what seemed like hours. His heart began to beat faster in his chest when he saw how persistent he was. On the final ring, he picked up.

“Hello, Hyu--”

“Yah, Jungkook-ah.” The younger boy flinched at how serious Namjoon’s tone was. “Come to practice toda-”

“I don’t want to, Hyung…” Jungkook’s voice came out as a soft whine. “Please don’t make me.”

“You said you were feeling sick. That excuse worked the first time, but it’s been a week. Our choreographers are getting fed up with having someone fill in for you.” When Jungkook didn’t reply, Namjoon exhaled a deep, shaky sigh.

“Just this once. Be here. Please, for us.”

The line went dead.

\-----------

He arrived almost half an hour after Namjoon’s call. Jungkook had walked into the middle of a full practice, with music. His feet stayed in place under the threshold, lips parted in surprise. His Hyungs were dancing flawlessly, with details he had never learned.

Jungkook could feel his stomach squeeze. The boy regretted being defiant and staying holed up in his room once he saw the magnitude of what he now needed to learn.

Once their teacher noticed Jungkook, he was pulled into practice at once.

Over twelve hours later, long after the moon had climbed its way over the ever-busy city of Seoul, the boys were allowed to go home. They had worked hard today on dancing, as they always had. More than learn the choreography, they adapted it as their own. As dancers, they excelled in bringing themselves into the routine while being completely in sync with everyone else. On the way out, their choreographer who moderated the practice gave them compliments and expressed his pride for their growth.

His smile faded as Jungkook passed by, though. “Jungkook, stay back. I need to speak with you.”

He shut the door, leaving himself and the young boy alone. The moment he faced Jungkook, the frustration and anger that he had contained all week snapped.

“What the hell were you doing? What were you thinking?” Jungkook's back straightened like a board at the sudden sharpness in the teacher's voice.

“I-I’m sorry,” his voice faltered and he couldn’t look up from the ground. “I wasn’t feeling well and-”

_“Bullshit!”_ Jungkook jumped on the spot, eyes snapping open wide.

“‘Not feeling well,’” The man grumbled lowly. “Did you know that Hoseok was sick for a few days? And he still came to practice.”

Jungkook kept his eyes on the worn down floorboards, hands folded behind himself and head bent. “No, sir. I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t keep apologizing!” He yelled. “The damage is already done. Do you know what you’ve done, kid? Your album release is going to have to be pushed back an entire week since you don’t look like you’re improving at all. I am the one responsible for you all knowing your damned routines. What happens if one of the lead dancers can’t perform well? It gets pushed on to _me_.” His face was red with fury.

“I may get _fired_ because of your failure to show up. Let that sink in.”

His heavy breathing was the only sound in the room. Jungkook didn’t dare move a muscle, but he could feel his eyes sting with tears. The choreographer left with steps as heavy as Jungkook’s heart, grabbing the handle of the door and slamming it shut on his way out.

_‘Another person disappointed.’_  Jungkook's heart broke into another fragment, scattering with the other millions of pieces lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next update will be the last :(


	6. walk to me

The practice room was void of any living presence but Jungkook himself. Dim lights flickered off as he leaned against the switch on the wall. Thinking.

_‘I may get fired because of you.’_

When did he become such a burden? When had his internal insecurities become reality? Things had changed while Jungkook was stuck fighting a constant losing battle with himself.

His legs dragged across the scuffed up hardwood as he headed to the large window. Opening it, he could stick his head outside, hands leaning against the windowsill. The crisp night air hit his face, and he could feel cold, wetness streaking down his cheeks. Jungkook exhaled roughly and heard his shivering breaths.

From up there, things looked strange. At this height, cars were as big as his pinkie finger and people were much smaller. It was funny how a different perspective changed things. People were ants and life seemed much smaller than he thought it out to be. The height helped him realize that.

But the height also made him realize how easy it would be to fall.

Someone looking down at the busy streets wouldn’t notice him looking down, and he certainly wouldn’t catch their faces now. Their pain, hopelessness, sadness, it would all be hidden because of this distance. His pain was hidden to the world although his tears rolling off his cheeks were fully on display to whoever decided to look up and stare. Those fragile tears, they slipped off his cheek and fell stories down, hitting the pavement as mere specks. Maybe they had dissipated before even hitting the ground.

Maybe…

Maybe he was meant to turn out like his tears.

If he were to fall from this height, he would be gone from memory without a trace, soon enough.

Maybe he was ready to fall because the weight of knowing how burdensome he truly was would soon cause him to literally topple over the edge. His heart skipped a beat and a fresh flood of tears fell from his red-rimmed eyes.

No, falling to his death struck too much fear into him to try it. Even though he was falling into darkness without any light ahead, he was too much of a coward. A burden, now a coward.

Jungkook just wanted someone to kill him, within this loud silence.

He misses himself. The 15-year-old Jungkook who was sparkling with passion and desire, and found beauty in everything? He was gone. All that was left was a rope that would gradually pull him lower and lower into water that filled his lungs. It wouldn't kill him— he would just be tethered to this feeling of drowning with no way to get better, all while fearing what would happen if it got worse.

His phone’s buzzing in his pocket startled him so greatly that he bumped his head on the window.

'Seokjin-Hyung,' the screen read. Jungkook stared at the face of his handsome older brother on the screen before picking up on the final ring. 

He cleared any raspiness out of his voice before raising the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“You brat! How do you have time to pick up but not walk back to the dorms? Jungkook-ah, come home,” Seokjin’s voice was laced with tiredness and his words dissolved with an exasperated sigh. “It’s your turn to do laundry. Your room is an absolute mess. You need to come home and clean up now, alright? Stop being lazy. And we’re making dinner, so hurry and get here fast.”

Jungkook wants to tell him that he has no energy, that’s he’s a wreck and he truly doesn’t want to see anyone else for the day. His appetite was missing, the stabbing feeling of hunger in his stomach was almost like a self-inflicted punishment that he desired to keep. But when he hears the stress teasing at his Hyung’s voice, he caved in and obliged. If Jin was annoyed at him, he’d hurry to take care of things in hopes to fix that mistake.

\-----------

When Jungkook grabbed a plate to dish himself some of the freshly cooked food on the stove, the other six boys were already eating and chatting away loudly around the table.

He took a large portion after losing any resistance he had left in him, even though he knew he’d most likely end up throwing it up later on. His stomach was churning and there was a primal-like instinct to shovel as much food as he could into his mouth. It had been almost four days since he had eaten a proper meal. The boy silently made his way over. His eyes were trained on the others though, darting from them to another part of the room.

Jungkook was walking without paying attention. His foot bumped against the side of the carpet, getting stuck momentarily as he tried to continue on his way. With a sharp exhale, Jungkook stumbled and his plate went flying- out of his hands, food crashing to the rug.

He could hear a gasp from one member and chaos broke out. Seokjin all but yelled his name, Namjoon’s eyes were wide and he told Jungkook to get paper towels, quickly. Taehyung and Hoseok had burst out into laughter with no way to stop it. The two boys got up and ran over to either side of Jungkook with napkins to help him between fits of laughter.

“Ah, of course, our clumsy maknae drops his food. First your dancing, now this, ahhh.”

“You shouldn't have taken so much! That's a lot of food for you anyways, Ggukie.”

Jungkook stays couching down, frozen, head bent and overgrown bangs falling into his eyes.

_They don’t know._ They don’t know how badly he’s been suffering because of his dance. They don’t know how he had spent days starving himself after malicious comments. He shouldn’t blame them or get angry, they don’t know. They say that he’s their baby, their best friend. But how could they not notice that he was wasting away right before their eyes? Perhaps they knew. But they didn’t care. Their comments never ceased. What was first a couple of reactions to his mistake turned into an entire conversation centered around his little flaws. It seemed harmless to the others, as they were treating it like material for a joke. He thought that he could get up, excuse himself and skip dinner. His eyes betrayed him though.

As he frantically tried to help his two Hyung’s scrub the carpet, his eyes flooded.

_Useless._

_Joke._

_Disaster._

_Clueless._

_Unworthy._

_Burden._

He was in a battle with himself, a losing one as he squeezed his eyes shut and wetness left them. _‘No, stop it, please just stop.’_

But the words wouldn’t stop coming. His Hyung’s words sounded as loud as a scream piercing his ears and words that were never actually spoken pounded into his heart. Everything was building up and was getting too high now. The stress, the feelings, everything. _Too much._

Jungkook broke as a single sentence came into mind. _I don’t want to be here._

A strangled sob escaped his lips and the room ceased of laughter.

It was almost like no one could believe the sound, six pairs of eyes stuck on the boy hunched over on the ground. Jungkook let out another jarring sob that seemed to unfreeze everyone at once.

“J-Jungkookie,” Taehyung whispered shakily, voice filled with pure shock. His warm hand held Jungkook’s bicep.

_‘Oh no, no no no no they’re all looking they’re staring they’re staring at me look away please just look away don’t look at me don’t look at me-’_

“DON’T LOOK AT ME.” Stumbling to his feet, he yanked his arm away from Taehyung. A chair screeched against the hardwood floor- one of them hurriedly tried to approach the boy in tears. His heart ceased up and his lungs were tight.

Then, he was running. Jungkook sobbed out once more while it was beyond his control, voice echoing through the room. He stumbled down the hall as Jimin called out his name, slamming his bedroom door and locking it with hands that trembled vigorously. Panic rose up into his body, pacing around his bedroom while a continuous stream of tears fell. Hands reached up into his hair, pulling at his soft brown locks from their roots. Jungkook screamed. Each sob was enhanced further with every knock to his door, every word coming from one the other member’s mouths. Jungkook sank to the floor by his bed. He brought his knees up to his eyes with heaving cries, sniffling and sniveling. It seemed like he’d be stuck in this state, snapping and spiraling, forever.

But only a minute had passed before the door had been opened. Yoongi came in with a screwdriver and two loose screws in one hand, the removed doorknob in the other.

Jungkook didn't look up, it was too much of a struggle. His head felt like it weighed a million pounds.

“G-Get out o-of my room…” Jungkook’s voice was brittle and weak, no force behind his words. It simply sounded like he was defeated, like he had given up.

“No.” His world seemed to slow and seconds moved like hours when hearing Yoongi's unwavering tone.

Jungkook’s eyes were hazy, but there was no mistaking Yoongi's figure crouching down right next to him, opening his arms up wide. They stayed suspended in midair. Not pulling away, but waiting. As if Yoongi was giving him the _choice_ to come to him or pull away.

Not a second passed before he threw his arms around his Hyung’s shoulders, leaning into him so suddenly that the elder could've fallen over.

“I-I’m so-- so s-sorry.”

“Don't apologize for feeling.”

As Jungkook buried his face into the crook of his neck, tears slipped out and wet his shoulder. This time, he didn't stop them. They weren’t a mighty roar, but a trickle of a stream.

“I’m so tired,” his voice was heavy. The weight of his words ran deeper than Yoongi could ever imagine. But the way he held on to him, the way Yoongi listened-- Jungkook felt safe. So safe even though he was completely vulnerable, so relieved even though he was spilling out all his insecurities.

_Relief._

That was the feeling that began to warm him from the inside out. The more he spoke, the lighter he felt.

“Hyung… I-I can’t do this… I don’t want to live like this anymore…”

_‘Please help me.’_

“You don’t have to live like that, then, Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi spoke slowly but his words were sincere. Hearing them made tears of consolation form in his eyes, making them shine like constellations.

“It... It’s not that easy, Hyung. Everything... I-Is so hard. It’s too hard… I-I feel like I’m falling. Or fading away. I-I don’t feel like me anymore, Hyung. I miss the old me and I- I just want to feel loved and be a good singer a-and a good f-friend...”

“Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi whispered, looking down at him. As Jungkook shifted his gaze to look up at his Hyung, he could see tears shining in his eyes too.

“I’m sorry, so sorry that none of us spoke to you before about how you were feeling.”

“But... We’ll color your life again, you won't fade away,” it was a promise that made Jungkook’s heart pang. “We’ll help you find yourself no matter how long it takes. I just need one thing from you, alright?"

“Let us in. Because we _love_ you. You’re _enough_. _You’re loved.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so, so much for reading this short fic :( This is the end, but I just wanted to say:
> 
> You are loved. Please take Yoongi's words to heart if you are feeling/have felt like Jungkook (because I know I have.)
> 
> You are worth so much, and you've done great things by just getting through another day.
> 
> love, moonbunnie <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, my loves!! follow me @ _moonbunnie_ on Twitter and yell at me to update!!! (uhhgdgg I'm truly just venting through jungkook yee )


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